Goin' To The Chapel

So I'm watching one of those video compilation shows and wedding videos are being featured. More specifically, videos focusing on grooms. Grooms falling down, tripping, passing out, passing gas, setting themselves on fire...you get the idea.
Funny? 
Oh most definitely. 
Sad? 
A little. I mean, I know now how much work-and money-goes into a wedding. It's a little sad seeing all that hard work being ruined by a fall into a fountain, or worse, some priest's crotch.
But it's still really funny. 
Not funny enough though that I don't recognize the potential hazards that might present themselves during a wedding ceremony so I've compiled a list of Wedding Not To Do's.


1. Don't have a mullet. 
Aside from being a horrendous fashion fauxpaux, mullets apparently have the power to wreck havoc with a groom's equilibrium. It has to be the whole "business in front and party in the back" thing. Honestly I think it's way too much responsibility for one poor hairstyle, way too much power to try and control and maybe that's why grooms with mullets always face plant before or-worse case scenario-during the exchange of the vows. 


Maybe the saying should be Business in front-party in the back and face in the carpet?


2. Don't drink at least two days before your wedding. Or eat Mexican food.
Getting married is extremely stressful. The last thing you want to do is throw up. Vomit during a wedding ceremony is as bad as...well...vomit during a wedding ceremony. Let's forget the fact that your new wife is never ever gonna let you forget that you blew chunks on your wedding day-and you had better pray that it was not on her-it will be something that she will throw back in your face during every fight you will have throughout the years to come. 
Husband: "Hey honey. Did you remember the potato chips? I don't see them."
Wife: "No. I forgot them. I'M SO SORRY. BUT I WAS JUST AFRAID YOU'D EAT THEM AND THEN THROW UP ON ME!"
Husband: "Oh. Okay. I'll just have pretzels."
My bachelor party is going to be at least a month before my wedding. 
And I'm going to drink milk.


3. Get married on level ground. 
Stairs = falls. 
Trust me. A groom's legs are wobbly enough from nerves. Don't add steps to the equation. 
Try not to faint. There's not much you can do if you feel as if you are going to pass out just try to time it so that it doesn't appear to be a direct reaction to being pronounced Mr. and Mrs.


4. No open flames. 
You ever see a mullet go up in flames? It's not pretty. And every video I've watched in which someone was lighting a unity candle ended with 5 groomsmen stomping on the body of some poor soul who was wearing too much hairspray. You want to hear "I now pronounce you man and wife" at the end of your ceremony not "Stop! Drop! And roll!"


5. Don't pick your nose. 
Don't even scratch your nose. Don't place your finger anywhere near your nose at any time during your wedding. I don't care if a fly lands on your lip and crawls into a nostril. DON'T GO IN AFTER IT! Cameras are everywhere during a wedding. EVERYWHERE. You might think the videographer is focused on your beautiful bride and that the coast is clear. I guarantee that as soon as you go mining for gold, someone is going to capture the moment for all eternity and within seconds you're going to be on someone's FaceBook page, knuckle-deep in mid-pick.

6. Don't adlib your vows.  

Even Billy Crystal had writers when he hosted The Oscars. 8 times. If you hesitate when the bag boy asks "Paper or plastic?" you are not a fly-by-the-seat of your pants kinda guy. Write something down or use cue cards. Better yet. GOOGLE wedding vows. 


7. Don't wear a tuxedo with ruffles. You're not an extra in The Godfather.



And while we're on the subject of clothing... 

8. Wear a belt. The only person who should see your underwear-or lack there of-on your wedding day is your bride. Your future-and that's about as near future as you can get-mother-in-law does not need to know that you're a bikini guy. Or that you prefer to go commando. Or that you're circumcised. Or that you shave. 

And finally, even if you forget all of the above, remember this. 

9. Don't cry. There's nothing wrong with showing emotion. It's kind of sweet really. Just don't cry. Don't blubber like a baby and let your voice get all high and whiny. 

Here's a few videos that still have me shaking my head. 

The woo-hoo groom. 

The cry-baby groom.

The I-Don't-Have-Any-Idea groom.

Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel
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