WINE
I decided to use a fancy font because I'm going to be talking about the subject of wine and we all know that unless the name Thunderbird is on the label, wine is fancy. Wine is also a subject I don't know a lot about. Other subjects would include United States History, anything to do with Ancient China, pottery, British Royalty, Mathematics, Science, Biology, Chemistry, Auto Mechanics, Rap Music, Fashion, Genetics, Pyrotechnics, Animal Husbandry, Plumbing, Electronics, Military Strategy and Polish Folklore.
I know the basics. I know most wines comes from grapes. I know most wines can be classified as either white or red. I know that Paul Masson will sell no wine before it's time. and I know
I'm intimidated by wine. Maybe it's all those words people used to describe wine. Words like fruity, full-bodied, fruity with a hint of oak, oaky with a hint of fruit, dry, dry and fruity, full-bodied with floral overtones, peppery, and buttery.
Are we still talking about wine here? Because I feel like I'm going through Tom Selleck's cologne collection.
I guess my problem is that I never feel sophisticated enough for wine. I'm a sweet iced tea and hard cider kind of a guy. Blue collar. Sure. I grew up in a household where my mother and father enjoyed a glass of wine every now and then but I never was interested. It tasted sour and bitter to me and I wasn't one of those kids who tried to sneak a sip during the holidays.
As an adult I do not drink wine and i can't decide if the whole sniff-the-cork-swirl-the-glass-swish-the wine-around-in-your-mouth thing is cool in a James Bond sort of a way or just pretentious bullshit. Because, honestly, I think a lot of the peripheral trappings of being a wine drinker fall under the latter category.
There's nothing wrong with wine or the people that drink wine. It's like everything else in the world that can be enjoyed. It just takes a few douchebags to ruin it for everyone else.
There also the perception of the cost of wine and one of my biggest fears is that I will finally find a wine I like and it will be $670 a bottle. Because that would be my luck.
And you can't be fooled by pretty labels or catchy names because all that is just smoke and mirrors.
During my research I found some wines that have the most God-awful names you can imagine. I thought I would share them with you. I am not making up these names.
Mother Cluckers Chardonnay.
Cats Pee on a Gooseberry Bush. (mmmmmmm....enchanting)
Booger Swamp from the Brushy Mountain Winery in North Carolina.
The Dog's Bullocks.
Those are just a few I found and quite honestly I'm more scared of wine now then I was before I started to do my research. I wonder how long it will be before Charlie Sheen has a wine. WINNING from the Sheen Vineyards. Or maybe Whore's Sweat and Tiger Blood?
Once again, maybe I am over thinking this whole thing. Not the Charlie Sheen wines, that is, but the whole "What wines do we choose/" thing.
Fawn and I just want people to enjoy some wine during our reception. We're thinking of going the traditional route and have decided to offer a red and white.
GOD I wish it was that easy. Wouldn't that be awesome? I wish I could just walk into a wine store and say, "Shopkeeper. I'm having a wedding reception. I would like some wine please. A red and a white to be more exact. Now make it snappy. Chop chop!"
But nooooooooo. Here we go with the questions again.
"Would you like a Chardonnay or Pinot Grigio?
"A Sauvignon Blanc or a Rieseling?" "A Gewurztraminer or a Cabernet Sauvignon?"
BOOM!
That was my head exploding. 
As I mentioned in my post about beer, I will be choosing wines based on the food we are serving at the reception and as I have already mentioned that we are serving pork barbecue, you would think that it would be easy to narrow the field of possible choices. 
WRONG!
Haven't you learned anything yet? This is a wedding I'm planning. Nothing is easy. 
There isn't some huge data base where you type in the word barbecue and it spits out one red and one white wine choice.
Wait. What? There is. Great. Don't I just feel like a big, old dope. 
Okay. So apparently you can go to GOOGLE and type in "Wine pairings" and pretty much find out anything you need to know about what wine goes with what food.
Just in case you were curious: If you're serving shark, it'd be best to serve a nice Chenin Blanc.
General consensus seems to suggest that since we want to serve a red and white wine and since we are serving pork barbecue, we should think about serving a Shiraz and a Riesling. 
If you had asked me before I started this little adventure, I would have guessed that Shiraz and Riesling won the Gold Medal for Figure Skating during the 1980 Winter Olympics in Lake Placid.

Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel

All Rights Reserved

BEER  
I'm switching gears a little and working on beer this week. After picking out flowers for the ceremony and reception, I figured selecting beer would be a cake walk. 
Which reminds me. I've got to talk to the cake guy. 
Where was I? Oh yeah.
BEER
When it comes to the subject of beer everyone has an opinion and there-in lies my dilemma. How do you make everyone happy? The answer should be "You can't. You can't make everyone happy" and "There's no way you can have everyone's favorite beer at the reception." I'm a perfectionist, though, and that answer doesn't sit well with the way my brain works. The hamster only spins one way in my head and sometimes its really hard to get him to stop and switch directions. 
It's a challenge, to be sure.
And what makes my situation even more of a challenge is that I no longer drink beer so it's sort of like asking a guy who doesn't drive to pick the best car on the market. 

Don't get me wrong. I have done my share of beer drinking in the past but as I've gotten older, I seem to have acquired an allergy to beer....and carrots...and ragweed...and cats....and cigarette smoke...and patchouli and...you know what. Just seal me in a plastic bubble and call it a day. 

Sadly, my drinking beer these days results in terrible next day sinus headaches. There are some theories about histamine and other bigenic amines but I won't bore you with them. Let me just say that there are things in beer which make me snotty. If I go in any further detail, it's gonna get gross.

Beer and I have parted ways. Nuff said.

That doesn't impare my ability to select good beers for our reception. If you didn't know, I will also mention that I have worked as a waiter, bartender, restaurant manager and ABC manager for a wedding facility. I have road-tested some beer in my life. I think I know what tastes good and what people will like. 

With my allergy to beer, I will more than likely be consuming a good hard cider (like Woodchuck) during the reception. There will surely be a six pack in a cooler marker with really big letters that says FOR GROOM'S CONSUMPTION ONLY.

No touchy! It's mine! I worked hard for it, people. 

Don't touch my Woodchuck! 
Jeez. I sound like some crazy backwoods trapper. 
Y'all get away from my woodchuck! She's all mine! Get your hands off my sweet, sweet Caroline!

One would think it would be easy to decide on just 3 beers and be done with it. That would be nice, you're right, but it's a little unrealistic. Not to mention that there are about a gazillion different beers on the market these days, give or take three or four.

There are a few decisions to be made. 

The biggest decision would be "What kind of beer do you want?" 

And sorry. Cold is not specific enough. No. Details must be addressed. 
Details such as "Do you want a lager or an ale?" "Do you want a pale lager or a pilsner?" "A light or dark pilsner?" Perhaps you'd prefer an ale? Okay. "Would that be a brown ale, a porter or a stout?"
Maybe you want a microbrew? And no. That does not refer to a really small beer. 
Do you want draft or bottled?
Seriously?
I am beginning to worry that every detail involved in planning a wedding will require answering a never-ending list of questions. It seems nothing is as simple as it first appears and I am afraid that when I am asked the "Do you take this woman" question it will be followed by twelve subsequent questions that can only be answered by Phineas J. Whoopee and his magical blackboard. 
Yes. I am making a Tennessee Tuxedo reference here and more than likely carbon dating myself a little too much. 
My goal in choosing libation for the reception is to find three beers that pair excellently with the food we will be serving at our reception. 
Oh, and by the way, we're serving pork barbecue. Really, really good pork barbecue to our guests.
So the question must be asked. What beer goes well with pork? 
I don't know. Maybe it's me? Maybe it's my desire for perfection? Maybe I'm thinking about this way too much?
I'm just picking out beer, for Pete's Sake! 
It's not I'm like choosing wine. 
Crap!
I still have to pick out the wine!
See! Told you! The list is never-ending. It just goes on and on and on. 


Here's what Chef Kevin Gillespie, former Top Chef cheftestant and currently working his magic at the Woodfire Grill in Atlanta Georgia suggested to me:
"Sweeter, smokier barbecue goes well with IPA and hoppier beers. More vinegar based beers do well with lighter crisp beers lacking bitterness, like a lager or an amber."


Another beer enthusiast suggested: 
"...I would tend to stay away from any beer too sweet like Blue Moon and lean toward something a little hoppier, a little more bitter. But you also don't want something to heavy; think refreshingly crisp. I think a good choice would be Sam Adams, NOT the lager, but the ALE. I think it's much better. A second heavier choice (but only for the hops-initiated would be Sierra Nevada Extra IPA. It's amazing!"


I could always ask Dos Equis' Most Interesting Man in the World but I have to ask myself "Do I really trust a guy who's catch-phrase is "Stay thirsty, my friends?" I mean...what kind of friend is that?" I don't care if dolphins appear every time he goes swimming or that he never says anything tastes like chicken...not even chicken. 
Shut up, Grizzly Ted Dansen and get me a beer. 
So, obviously, Dos Equis won't be served at the reception. Either will Miller High Life. Even though it is the champagne of beers and only because that never made any sense to me. The champagne of beers? That's kind of like saying it's The New York Strip of Bologne. Who associates beer with champagne? Or vice-versa? Marketing people. That's who.
I'm happy with the feedback I've gotten thus far. I'm really not going to over think this. Believe me, there are going to be plenty of opportunities to over think things. I got this! I got this! I got this!
Here's my Top 3 Choices, in no particular order, for the beers at our reception.

Yuengling

Stella Artois 

or Red Stripe (I'm on the fence on Choice #2)

I'm on the fence about both of these. Stella is a great beer but there is the one down side. This very delicious beer, and much better alternative to Heinecken, is served in a green bottle and that raises the question of contamination. It's one of the factors I must consider. It will be night time and the beer will be kept in coolers and well-iced. I've got to ponder this a little longer.

My third choice is:

Sierra Nevada Pale Ale

If you're a beer drinker I would be interested in hearing what you have to say. If you enjoy a good barbecue dinner and a cold beer to wash it down, I would really be interested in what you have to say. 

Your feedback is welcomed. Don't agree with my selections? Got a better idea? Let me hear what's on your mind. 

Of course it will all come down to cost. Just like with everything else. I will look for the best prices on the beers I want and then go from there. The most important thing for you to know is that I am working to ensure that the beer will be cold and wet and that it won't be Chelada, Anheuser-Bush's much maligned experiment with Bud Light and Clamato.

Look it up. I'm not joking. It's a real thing. And it was described as 'the worst Bloody Mary you've ever had.'
Mmmmmm....you can't pay for advertising like that.

Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel

All Rights Reserved

Flowers are pretty. 
Flowers smell nice. 
Ask any man their thoughts on flowers and those are more than likely going to be the best, if not only, answers you will hear. Flowers are pretty and they smell nice. Fire bad.
It's like shoes. Most men don't know anything about shoes. They're just those things we wear on our feet because society says we have to in order to eat in restaurants and go bowling. 
I own three pairs of shoes: sneakers, casual-going-to-Applebee's-for-dinner shoes and my dress, going to a funeral or going to a wedding shoes. I did have some sandals but public opinion put a stop to that. Apparently I have really ugly feet.
Hi. My name is Frodo Baggins.
So, much like shoes, we don't think about flowers until we are forced to and then we buy them. 
The most important, and quite honestly, the only thing, men need to know about flowers is that when in doubt buy roses. Roses are pretty much the go-to flower for us cavemen. They smell nice and look pretty and women seem to like them. As far as some men are concerned, roses are the only flowers that exist. Which is fine with us, really, because it takes all the guess work out of buying flowers.
Gotta a funeral to go to? Buy some roses. Wife's birthday? May I suggest some roses, sir? Girlfriend find a pair of panties that weren't hers in the glove compartment of your car? Honestly, dude. Roses aren't going to fix that. May I suggest Antarctica?
Another problem facing men when it comes to flowers is that men really only deal with flowers three times a year. Quintuple that number if the man in question is one of those polygamists with 5 or 6 sister-wives. Then again, I have to ask, do those guys buy the little women flowers or do they just simply give them a hand-me-down churn or bonnet?
As I was saying, men only buy flowers, for the most part, for three occasions: anniversaries, birthdays and as a prelude to make-up sex. If a man is lucky enough to have a fight with his lady on her birthday which also happens to be your wedding anniversary, well then that lucky son-of-a-gun only makes one trip a year to the local florist where he is known as that cheap, lucky son-of-a-gun.
Flowers are usually purchased when a man is in full-on panic mode ("Crap! I forgot flowers for her birthday again!") so it's no wonder we're clueless when it comes to shopping for them. The whole experience goes by too fast and we don't retain enough information for our database. We simply give the salesperson money and run out of the store. If the salesperson had wrapped mackerel in that shiny green paper with some baby's breath, we wouldn't notice until we looked into our significant other's eyes...and saw her bared teeth. 
Men's brains don't have the capacity for such questions as "Will these flowers match her dress?" or "Can I wash these fluffy white towels with a load of dark dress pants?" Instead our brains' pistons are always firing and ready to answer those much more important questions like "What do I have in my shed that I'm going to need when the vampires attack?"
So it was goes without saying, even though I just said it, that I was fighting brain chemistry, genetics and evolution when I went to shop for the flowers for our wedding yesterday. 
Big day. Lots of responsibilities. And the only thing written on my shopping list was:
"Get something pretty."
My mission was to choose flowers which would be used in the centerpieces which would be on the tables for our reception. Sticking with our plan I knew the centerpieces would need to not only match our wedding colors but also reflect our theme of casual elegance. 
In other words, simple centerpieces. Small centerpieces. Inexpensive centerpieces. And of course, pretty centerpieces. 
I'm not going to lie. I was nervous. 
I've never done anything like that before. Once again, like most men, I had only ever chosen, at the most, a dozen roses at one time before and here I was about to select the flowers for the table centerpieces and for the arch which would be center stage during the ceremony.
I had no idea where to start. I had some loose ideas in my head but that was about it. I've looked through some magazines for inspiration, hoping that maybe somewhere someone had done the work for me already but all of Martha Stewarts flower arrangements looked as if they had been assembled by a team of experts. Probably because they had been assembled by a team of experts, all the while under the watchful eye of Martha, riding-crop in hand. Martha gave me a few ideas but none of the photos I looked at were of fall wedding flowers. Thanks Martha. 
I'm not going to say anything. Martha's done time in the big house. She could probably make a very lovely shank and an even lovelier shank cozy and take me out any time she wanted. 
It's all good, Martha. 
Right?
Anyway...
So there I was, all alone in the flower department wondering if I could just buy a bunch of roses and be done with it. 
Then I remembered my lady and how gorgeous she was going to look on our special day and I knew I needed to create the most perfect backdrop for her. This wasn't about me, this was about her. That was all I needed to get me going. Well, that and the text she sent me when I told her that everything was 50% OFF. 
"Tear it up, baby!" she said. "Tear it up." And that was just what I was going to do.
As an artist I understand color and have always been good at putting colors together. That's why I'm good to bring along when you go paint shopping at LOWE'S. I created a scenario in my head and approached this task as if I was creating an art piece for a client. 
The sketch was in my head, I just needed to flesh out the overall composition with color. Fawn and I are getting married in October so I concentrated on Fall colors. I also kept in mind the two colors that will be prominent in the wedding. It's a pretty palette and as I walked around it became easier and easier to find just the right flowers.
I got some stares as I walked up and down the aisles so I tried to butch up a little. I rolled up my sleeves and dragged the flowers I had already selected on the ground behind me. I took big lumbering steps and even spit on the floor a few times. 
I would guess that I was in the store for about an hour and a half. I have no idea if that is good or not. I know that for a man, that's awesome.  After all, I wasn't shopping for a tractor or a weed-wacker or new remote control so spending any longer than 5 minutes shopping, much less shopping for flowers, and I think that's pretty damn good. 
I did want Fawn's input on my selections so I took pictures with my cellphone and sent her images of flowers I was leaning towards. Got to love this modern age and all the technology! I'm sure the photos weren't great, but she at least she was able to see how my brain was working. All in all she thought everything worked and gave me a thumb's up on my effort.
I did ask a group of women who were walking around the store what they thought. Just as a fail-safe measure. Women know flowers and they know what is pretty and after I explained when the wedding was and what our colors were, they studied my pile of flowers like judges at a state fair. After a few seconds they turned to me and said "Very pretty." 
Well that was a good sign. They used the word pretty.
Then they asked if I was a designer. I told them I was the groom and watched as each one of their jaws dropped to the linoleum floor, one after another. They congratulated me on my engagement and said my fiance was very lucky.  thanked them for taking the time to critique my efforts and watched as they walked away, still shaking their heads. 
All in all I think I did a good job selecting flowers and the favorable reviews from the anonymous group of women seem to support that fact. Even though I chose several different species of flowers, the overall effect was what I was hoping to create. I'm confident the colors work together and that they will work with the colors we have chosen for the bridesmaids' dresses and the groomsmens' boutonnieres. And that's what it's all about. Well, that and looking pretty.
After I left the stores with my purchases and loaded them into the van, I walked next door into Home Depot. I owed it to myself. 
I went to the garden center and sat in a riding mower for about ten minutes and then walked up and down the power tool aisle. In a state of utter bliss I picked up every last one of those glorious tools and held them, just for a second or two. 
<caveman grunt>
Flowers pretty but power tool good. Gooooooooooood.

Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel

All Rights Reserved