Yes. Friends of ours, Karen and Michael, got married just outside of Philadelphia on Saturday under blue skies in the garden of a friend. Congratulations to you both. It was a beautiful day and Fawn and I are so happy for the both of you.
What? Did you think I was going to talk about that other wedding?
I think that particular wedding got enough press. Don't you? Sure. It was a fabulous wedding, like something out of a fairy tale.
(I've said it before and I will say it again, I am totally secure in my masculinity and can use a word like fabulous but as a general rule, no straight man should ever use the word fabulous unless he's playing Scrabble)
It was magical and blah blah blah and Al Roker giving weather and insights on the happy couple and blah blah blah and loads of "Look at the dress" and...
Honestly, I don't care. I don't even want to see still photographs of the wedding of the century. It has nothing to do with William or Kate.
I just don't need that kind of pressure. I couldn't compete,ever, and I'm sure I don't want to try. Plus, to be totally frank with you, I hate big silly hats and when it comes down it, that whole day was just an excuse for everyone in the UK to go into their closets and pull out a dust-covered box with the words 'Big Ugly Hat' scrolled across the lid.
Sure there was some national pride involved, and yes, we are talking about the Future King of England <cue the royal trumpets!> here, but, let's be honest, the whole event was just an excuse for everyone to try and outdo their neighbor with who had the most ridiculous hat.
Of course we are talking about the British here, so let's keep in mind that it was a politeand proper competition. There was no name-calling. There was just dignity and stiff upper lips and hats with birds, reenactments of famous British sea battles, over-sized bows and things that looked as though they were installed for better television reception.
Did you know that if you GOOGLE the word hats the second result is hats at the royal wedding? Just thought I would mention that.
We are not expecting anyone to wear a silly hat at our wedding, especially since we've asked my Uncle Hans not to, much to his dismay. Sure he was disappointed, but we're confident he will find something to do with all those miniature pumpkins and duck decoys.
Weddings shouldn't be spectacles, but I can't hold that against William and Kate. There was no way they were just going to slip away to the Little Chapel in the Country and have a simple ceremony. Considering the whole country was behind them and cheering them on and essentially paying for their wedding, well then, a little spectacle and some silly hats are okay.
Back here in the real world, though, where money is an issue, some concessions have to be made. There has to be some compromise. You can have the wedding you have always dreamed of, you just have to be flexible.
Fairy-tale and fantasy weddings are fun to watch and maybe even be part of but when it comes to paying for them, well, then that's a totally different story.
That's why it's so dangerous to watch wedding movies and get those fantasy images stuck in your head. Unless you have a Hollywood budget, your wedding is more than likely not going to look like your favorite movie wedding. We have all seen wedding videos. We're not talking cinemagraphic masterpieces, are we?
It's nice to dream though, as long as you are able to keep it all in perspective, but who wouldn't want to decorate their home for a reception like Steve Martin did in Father of the Bride? It was gorgeous.
Damn. There I go again.
(Okay. There's another word no straight man should say unless he is describing how his wife's/girlfriend's/fiance's butt looks in the jeans she just bought. And seriously, even then you are walking a thin tightrope. So to recap, just in case you were keeping score, words a straight man should try to avoid in conversation are the aforementioned fabulous and gorgeous, and for good measure, kitty, jammies, twinkle, cuchie-cuchie-coo, weiner, ouchie or owwie and pee-pee.)
Who wouldn't love to have Martin Short's Franck as their wedding coordinator? Who could afford it? That's the question and the rub.
You can't throw a rock at Netflix without hitting a movie about a wedding or a movie with a wedding in it. You've seen them, I don't need to list them. You know that, afterwards, as you sit there with that little smile on your face, a thousand thoughts running through your mind. Thoughts like how nice it would be to have a wedding like the one you just saw and how awesome it would be to have Julie Roberts as a bridesmaid.
I know a woman looks at a movie like that differently from a man. I used to look at movies like that with my artist's eye. Now, being as involved in the planning of my own wedding, I look at those movies with an accountant's eye. Let's just say there won't be any doves released after we say "I do" or any fireworks during the reception. During the honeymoon? You bet! But those are less expensive and the chance we will singe off our eyebrows is less.
I might look at the groom's tuxedo and think that I might like to wear something similar and then I remember I don't have Bradley Cooper's abs...or elbows...or ankles. More often than not now I find myself thinking "My God. I bet that cost them a fortune" or "Yeah. That will never happen."
I must keep things in perspective and remind myself that movie weddings are the stuff of dreams.
All weddings in movies look beautiful. The music is always perfect. The lights are just right and everyone looks as though they're being photographed through that special lens that is usually reserved for Barbara Walters. You wouldn't know it, but she is 132. She just looks like she's only 100 because of the filters they put on the camera.
Just remember that it is the job of movies to make everything look better. Just look at Christopher Walken. He always looks really cool in the movies he appears in, regardless of the characters he's playing. Granted he looks cool in a creepy sort of way but it's the movies so we cut him some slack.
Have you ever seen Christopher Walken in person or in a candid, not-in-a-movie moment? He looks like a grasshopper with a pompadour.
More cowbell indeed.
Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel
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