RING UPDATE:


Fawn picked up her engagement ring today.
I received this text not more than twenty minutes ago:


And I quote...


"It's beautiful."


As are you, My Lady. As are you.


Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel

All Rights Reserved

Sunday was a big day.

We picked out and purchased our wedding bands. 

I would be lying if I didn't say that the experience was as intimidating as I had expected but we did find two bands that are very us. And that's the key. and that was a key element in the plan. Find rings that reflected who we are. Find rings that fit our budget. And find rings, that when touched together, allow the reader to transform into a superhero. 

Okay. So that last part was apparently only my goal and, and as it turned out, a little unrealistic. Hey. A Guy can dream. 

We went to about 4 or 5 different places yesterday. Ultimately we decided to return to the first because the experience there had been so positive. Also I found a band I really, really liked and no other could match it's awesomeness. 

Fawn also found a band she liked. It all worked out pretty well. 

I will admit that I was intimidated at first by the process. 

I am not a jewelry person at all. 

I don't wear rings. I don't even wear a watch. I use my cellphone like everyone else. I used to have a school ring but my woman claimed that as her own. I have no piercings and probably never will. I also had made that claim about tattoos and I proudly sport 4, but I will never have a piercing. 

I actually had piercings as a child. I hated the experience and that probably tainted my opinion on the subject. I was about 9 and was in the process of building a treehouse. I had jumped off the second floor (Oh yeah. I built some awesome treehouses) and when I landed I discovered much to my dismay that I had jumped right down onto two long boards, both which had exposed nails sticking up from underneath. The weight of my body forced the nails up through my sneakers (And these were sneakers-just rubber and canvas-not like the $200 things kids wear on their feet nowadays) and I found myself standing there on two makeshift skis. It hurt. It hurt bad and I was too afraid to try and pull them off so I walked home so my mom could. It was a long walk and I dragged my feet along the ground with long strides. 

I'm good with the whole piercing thing. I tried it. I didn't like it. I moved on.

I've also worked many different jobs in my life and most of them required hard work with my hands. Jewelry would have just gotten in the way. So I never bothered. 

Of course I wore jewelry during my first marriage. I had this lovely two piece set. One piece wrapped around my ankle and the other just sort of dragged along behind with a heavy metal cuh-lunk...cuh-lunk...cuh-lunk.

A ball and chain. I was saying I wore a ball and chain. It was a joke. 

Someone is probably going to comment and suggest that perhaps that was mean and that perhaps my ex-wife's feelings would be hurt. No worries at all. She's an attorney. She lost the ability to feel years ago. (I'm joking. I do that sometimes.)

Like most men I do all my shopping utilizing the classic Seek and Destroy Method. I know what I want. I go in the store. I am out the doors in less than 15 minutes, depending on the lines of course. It comes from being dragged on shopping trips with our mothers as little boys and being forced to try on outfit after outfit...after outfit...after outfit....

Shopping for weddings bands in not shopping for school clothes or new underwear. This was not going to be a 15 minute in and out. This had to be a thoughtful and conscientious experience. 
Our plan was to go to about 5 or 6 places and do some price comparisons. 
That's smart, right? We thought so. 
After about the third store we realized that the we weren't really seeing anything we liked as much as the first store. After about the 5th store we knew we weren't. 
Shopping in a jewelry store the day before Valentine's Day is like shopping for guns and canned food before a zombie uprising. 
Wow. That's the most un-romantic metaphor possibly ever written. Let me work on that and I will get back with you, Dear Reader.
There was an anxiety in the air yesterday. All hands were on deck and you couldn't take three steps inside the door before 2 people walked up to you to welcome you. Aggressive, professional salesmanship doesn't bother me. Sleazy, pushy salesmanship does. It's the reason I don't shower for three days or brush my teeth before I go looking to buy a new car. 


HIS
I have a confession to make. It's a about a psychological problem I have. No. Not that one. You see, I suffer from an as yet un-named phobia. I suffer from a crippling fear that my thumb will get stuck in a bowling ball. Side effects of this phobia include the fear of getting your finger stuck in a ring you're trying on in a jewelry store. I never go bowling because I just know my thumb will get stuck in that third hole and I will go to roll the bowl and I won't be able to let go of it and the result will be me throwing my own body down the lane as people laugh and catcall me. Paramedics will have to lube my fingers and...well...it pretty much goes downhill after lubed thumbs. 
It's the same with trying on new rings (the real reason I don't wear rings) I just know the ring is going to get stuck on my finger and it is going to turn into some huge ordeal and a video entitled Sausage Fingers Puts A Ring On It, with soundtrack by Beyonce, will go viral in less than 24 hours.
The entire time the salesgirl was preparing my ring for a trial fit, I was thinking to myself "Thin fingers. Thin fingers. Thin fingers."
I have to admit that I had a Gollum moment. 
I saw my Precious and knew it had to be mine. 
Sitting on a multi-tiered display among other lesser rings. So perfect. So me. Masculine without being flashy. And made from some alien metal that would allow me the power of flight and super-human strength.Okay. I added that last part. But it's an awesome ring and no matter where we went and how many other stores we went to afterwards, I would find none better.
My Precioussssssss.....


Before I go on too much farther, can I just make the observation that choosing a wedding band in a jewelry store is not at all unlike choosing a donut in a donut shop? Buying a ring and a Bavarian Creme-if that's your donut of choice-is very similar. Granted one is very fattening and one is very expensive but in the case of shopping for both, it is a similar experience. Eventually, in the case of both, you wind up with your face pressed against glass as the salesperson tries to locate-with just verbal directions-the one you want.


"A   little to the right...Nope! Down one! Over to the left now....just one more...No. The one next to it. YES! THAT'S the one I want!"


Any way. I just wanted to make that observation. As you were.


HERS
Choosing my fiance's band was a little trickier than when I chose mine. 
This was her wedding ring after all. 
I asked Fawn if she would allow me to pick out a ring for her, just to see if I had any clue as to what she had been hoping/wishing for and I've got say that I didn't do too badly. The first two rings I pointed to were rings Fawn liked very much. The third not so much. Apparently the fact that it was the same ring Dog gave to Beth on a very special episode of Dog The Bounty Hunter did little to impress her. It was cool though. There was an eagle and a feather and...never mind. 
I've never seen Fawn so deep in concentration before. I mean, this wasn't a steak dinner. Her little brow was furrowed and there was this little grin on her face. She looked like a kid in a candy store...or...a kid in a donut shop.
BOOM! LOOK WHAT I DID THERE!
Of course Fawn knew exactly what she was looking for and was going to take her time. There are considerations about cut and clarity, of course, but there has to be that gut reaction to tell you this is the one. Could it be that woman have a My Precioussss moment as well?


AND IN THE END
Having gotten a good idea about cost and fit we made our exit from the very store with our complimentary bottle of water. They had offered us cappacino but I don't think a double strength caffeine beverage is the best thirst quencher when you're buying expensive jewelry. 
We were honest with our saleswoman telling her we had to do some comparative shopping. The situation behooved us to do so. We didn't use the word behoove. I don't think I've ever used the word behoove as a matter of fact and not really sure why I did just then. I must be tired. Or channeling Jamie Gertz from Square Pegs.
Being a good salesperson she understood this completely and threw no static or pressure our way. 
Which is one of the main reasons we went back to that first store. We went to others but couldn't really find anything close to what we had already seen and tried on and apparently decided on. 
We headed back and we bought our bands. 
All in all, it was a really nice day. 
I was getting a little light-headed and claustrophobic from the crowded stores and over powering perfumes and colognes but I was with my lady and we always have the best time when we shop.
My ring would be ready for pick up in about two weeks.  
Fawn's ring would be ready in two days. 
It's gonna be hard not to want to wear my ring but I will wait until Sunday, October 16th. Partly because I am a traditional sort of guy. Partly because I am a superstitious type of guy. Mostly because I am that guy who is scared that the ring will get stuck on my fat finger.

Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel

All Rights Reserved

So...apparently you can't just walk into a tuxedo rental store and ask for a tuxedo that will make you look like James Bond. There should be! But there isn't.
Apparently they need more information than that. Apparently, even though we can take photographs with phones and we have electric cars and doctors can build new body parts in laboratories a guy just can't walk into a tuxedo rental store and walk into a machine and a minute later be fitted into a tuxedo that will make him look like a British secret agent with a license to kill.
Is it just me or is anybody else a little disappointed that none of the things The Jetsons promised have come to fruition?

My GOD the questions are never-ending when all you want to do is walk in and five minutes later walk out with the coolest tuxedo ever.
Do you want a dinner jacket? A Stroller jacket? (WTH? I'm not pushing a toddler down the aisle with me) Tails? Traditional tuxedo or black tie? Updated black tie? Dark suit? 
I want to look like a secret agent. 
Okay. Very good then....now...about your shirt, Sir?
My shirt? I dunno....white with buttons?
Would you like French cuffs? A Mandarin collar? A spread collar or a turndown collar? Perhaps, Sir, you'd prefer a winged collar.
MOMMY!
Now, Sir. About your neckwear. Any ideas there?
A noose?
That's very good, Sir, but seriously, would you like an ascot, a bow tie, or a four in-hand tie? 
I don't know. I suppose, though, that decision depends on the shirt I'm wearing. Correct?
Very good, Sir. You're catching on. 
GOD. Where is Tim Gunn when you need him?
And while you're thinking about the neckwear, Sir, perhaps you can begin to think about the accessories...
Accessories! HA!! NOW you're talking! The flame-throwers! The poison pellets! That underwater breathing thingy!
...like the cummerbund. Were you thinking about either suspenders or braces? A Waist coat or vest?
<curling up in the fetal position now....thumb in mouth....rocking back and forth>
And we still have to make a decision about your shoes, Sir. There is a decision to made about your hosiery...
Okay. Well. To start. They're called socks. NOT hosiery. I'm not a cross-dresser or a seventy year old living in Miami. Or a seventy year old cross-dresser living in Miami.
..and do you prefer patent pumps or perchance white bucks?
Pumps? Again. NOT a cross-dresser. And let me state this for the record. No man should ever wear pumps. On his feet...or...uhhhh....anywhere else for that matter.
I don't know. Maybe I'll just go naked. 


Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel

All Rights Reserved

WHAT is up with caterers?!!!

Seriously. 
WHAT the HELL is up with CATERERS?!!!

Sorry. I just had to scream that. This whole caterer thing is driving me crazy and I'm about to say "You know what? Let's go through the drive-thru and pick up some buckets of the Colonel's best. Who wants original recipe?" 

Hello! I have money! I want to give it to you in return for food and services. That's what you do, right? Are you so busy you don't have to return phone calls? Congratulations! How lucky you are that you don't need my business. 
Okay. So from what I've been reading, this seems to be the process. It's sort of like buying a puppy. You look and look until you think you've found the one you just have to have and then you take it home and it shits all over you which is okay because that's what puppies do and you can put up with a little poop and barking but what if you told them how much you loved them and wanted them and then they never called you back? Even after you've left several messages on voice mail and through e-mails. The caterers, that is, and not the puppies. Although everyone has a cellphone these days. How long until we have Pet-Cells? Or Puppy-Pods? The I-Pooch?
You have a first date and things go really well and then you exchange numbers and then...nothing! You start to wonder. "Is it me?" "Was it something I said or did?" "Is it something in my teeth...OH GOD! Do I HAVE B.O.?!"
Fawn and I know what kind of food we are going to serve at our reception. It is quite logical actually. We have to serve over a hundred people something good and hot and fast. I'm perfectly fine with Hot Pockets. Sure it bucks with tradition! But that's me! I'm a rebel! 
Having decided on what kind of food we want served, the next task was to find someone who could supply it...those people are called caterers. 
The on-line dictionary defines caterers as:

v. ca·tered, ca·ter·ing, ca·ters

v.intr.

1. To provide food or entertainment.

2. To be particularly attentive or solicitous; minister: The nurses catered to my every need. The legislation catered to various special interest groups.

v.tr.

1. To provide food service for: a business that caters banquets and weddings.

2. To attend to the wants or needs of.

It seems, that perhaps, some folks that call themselves caterers have forgotten what it is they're supposed to be doing. I'm sure it's on their business license. 

Right there. On the wall, over your left shoulder. Yep! That thing in the frame a couple of inches below The Singin' Bass. 

When I worked in the food industry I would have loved to receive emails like the one's I've sent to our selected caterers. Glowing reviews of service and food would have made my day (For the most part, for the record, I did hear very positive comments from my customers I'm just trying to make a point here)

HOW can you just not call someone back who has taken the time to frequent your business, spend money there, then take the time to write you a lengthy email praising your food and service? How do you just ignore someone who has expressed sincere interest in spending more money in your establishment? 

HOW? WHY? WHAT the....?????!!!

This is not over. Not by a long-shot. This is the guy who put up with medical bureaucracy for almost two years. I'm the creator and sole owner of the copyright for the I'M SORRY THAT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME t-shirt. 

No. This is not over at all. 

I'll be back.

Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel

All Rights Reserved

The Tunes: Part Three

Dance! Dance! Dance!

In my last two posts I talked about wedding music and how tricky it could be to choose the soundtrack for your big day. I talked a little about the ceremony and those certain songs you might want to play during those very special moments like the bride's entrance.

I didn't really cover the reception though. Partly because the reception is an animal all onto itself. 

The reception is a party and the rules for choosing music are a little looser. Choosing wedding reception music is not so much a challenge, as far as I'm concerned. It's simple really. You're throwing a party and want people to dance and have a good time. As long as you throw in some slow songs for the couples in the crowd and perhaps those relatives who remember when Nixon was President, I figure it's anything goes!

Everybody throws a party differently. Some folks are content with putting a bunch of c.d's into a player and hitting shuffle. Some folks want to know exactly what song is going to play and when it is going to play. Shuffle is not in their vocabulary. These people are control freaks. I can call them that because I am one of them. And I'm okay admitting that because I go to meetings. Meetings, I might add, which would run much smoother if they only let me organize and moderate them. 
Anywaaaay....

The reception is a party and party's are fun. 

My job is fairly easy. Find fun music that people can dance to and sing along with and slow dances to cuddle with there baby to and background music to set a relaxed tone while dinner is being served. How hard can that be?
Not hard really. 
Just type "fun wedding reception music" into the search field on google.com. The results are endless. Sites a plenty that boast the Top 100 Wedding Reception Songs and The Best Reception Songs Ever! and The Songs You Have To Play At Your Wedding Reception Or Everyone Will Throw Garbage At You will pop up with just a click of the mouse. Having perused several of these lists now I am starting to notice the same titles over and over again. So, I would assume that these songs are popular and safe choices for our reception. I'm also noticing the same songs included on lists with such titles as Lame Reception Songs and Reception Songs: The Over-Used and The Over-Rated. The songs that appear on those lists are those songs you've heard at every wedding you've ever been to in your life. It's hard not to want to include these songs on your playlist because they are popular for a reason. It is safe to say though that we will not be playing The Hokey Pokey or The Chicken Dance. There's popular and then there's....um...The Hokey Pokey and The Chicken Dance.

The Bad, The Lame and The Ugly

There are a few performers who have not made the cut for our reception. They are in no particular order: Billy Ray Cyrus, Vanilla Ice, Los Del Rio and Billy Ray Cyrus. And yes. I know I listed BR Cyrus twice. I figured I owed that much to him. 

I really shouldn't have to explain my decision to exclude those artists (sorry....just threw up in my brain a little) but I will justify this black-listing by stating for the record that Achey Breaky Heart, Ice Ice Baby and The Macarena were all written by Satan and are evil, evil songs. 'Nuff said. 

The Rat Pack

I'm convinced that I was born in the era when music was cool and singers were cool and suave and were backed up by full orchestras. The music of Frank Sinatra, Rosemary Clooney and Dean Martin truly speaks to my soul.
So it goes without saying that there will be music from that particular era during our reception as well as the stylings of contemporary singers like Michael Buble and Harry Connick Jr.


It's My Party And I'll Electric Slide If I Want To!
Reception music must allow for some slow, tender moments, but we all know it's about the dance music and shaking your booty. We plan on shaking our booties and we hope other people join us, otherwise it's gonna get really awkward really fast. 
I am envisioning those scenes in movies where the entire wedding party breaks out into a huge dance number. There will of course be line dances and opportunities for individuals to show their mad skills as a crowd circles around them. There are dances which are a shout out for the crowd to join together on the dance floor. Songs like The Electric Slide  (It's Electric!) and The Cha Cha Slide are fun dances that everyone seems to know and enjoy. 
I think they're also great choices for the non-dancer who might be too shy and who fears being singled out for clumsy dance steps. The Slide songs are perfect for that person (Me!) because there is always safety in numbers. Of course, one wrong step to the left, instead of the right, during either, could take out a whole line of Sliders like so many dominoes. I've seen it happen. The screams still haunt my dreams.
We will probably play YMCA by The Village People because statistics show that people tend to enjoy wedding receptions more when they have the chance to form the shapes of letters while they dance. 
Listen, it boils down to this. I'm not a dancer but this is my wedding and if Soulja Boy comes on I'll be out there with everyone else. 
That was a warning people. If you see hear Superman and see me heading towards the dance floor, that is the perfect time to grab another ice cold refreshment.


It's My Party And I'll ABBA If I Want To!
Remember those lists I mentioned earlier that listed the songs that have been overplayed at weddings? Safe to say there is an ABBA song or two on them. ABBA is one of those bands that was hugely popular and who created great music. There is some backlash however because the height of their popularity occurred during the Disco era and anything from the Disco era has to be GOD awful. Right?
It's been almost 30 years, people. Get over it. Disco is cool again and we all secretly yearn to have one of those Saturday Night Fever moments while wearing a white suit. 
Besides...I have to play ABBA. I am a third part Swedish and if I don't I will anger Odin and he will banish me to Niflheim oe Hel, a land of ice and the dead. Yeah. I could tell you some tales about my bedtime stories!


The Midnight Hour Is Close At Hand
You bet your sweet bippy we're playing MJ during our reception. Who doesn't want their 74 year old Nana dragging her good foot along the dance floor to Thriller. Michael Jackson is a must for a wedding reception playlist. I didn't need to read that in a magazine. 


Bad Romance/Good Dance Music
I am 46 and my lady is...


What's that honey? Take out the trash...sure...I'm right in the middle of...now? Sure. Hang on, dear readers.

Okay. Where was I? Oh yeah. I don't want people thinking that just because this particular bridal couple is no longer in their 20's the music will be stale and dated.
No worries. I'm up on all the jams the youngsters are dancing to these days. 
I know who Lady Gaga is (although to be honest when I first heard the name I thought it was a high-priced clothing line for baby girls) and we will probably be dancing to a song or two from her. 
There will also be some rap music during our reception. I am the whitest man there is and don't know from rap, but my bride has requested certain songs for the reception and her wish is my command. 
I don't listen to rap (I still think P Diddy sounds like a urinary tract disorder) and to be honest a lot of it scares me. When rap first came out the thuggiest thugs out there were Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince. I wouldn't know Nas from Sysco and I'm confused by the fact that a huge number of rappers are named Lil something. There is Lil Wayne, Lil Bow Wow, Lil Boosie and Lil Jon to name a few. I would make a joke here but I'm afraid someone will pop a lil cap in my ass.
By the way...I went to website that creates a rapper name from your first name and last name initial. My rapper name is Force J Jody.


Yo! Yo! Yo! I'm feelin' gangsta now, yall.


Steppin' Out With Your Baby
Receptions are not all about bumping and sliding, the Watusi and the Cabbage Patch however and there are those special, tender moments that require a delicate touch and just the right song. I realize that a large number of people who are invited only dance to the slow songs during the reception because the thought of dancing to Da Dip by Freak Nasty causes heart palpitations.

I understand that all too well and I know how badly I dance. Trust me, I've heard the words "Drunken Sasquatch" too many times to count when people try to describe my awkwardness on the dance floor. 

I'm legendary. I've stepped on more toes than Glenn Beck.  

I have spent some time working on the slow music list and I think I've compiled a play list that will inspire the romantics to grab their partner and head to the dance floor. So have no fear, fellow Bigfoots, you will have your moment to shine...slowly...and safely.

In Closing

The playlist I am compiling for our reception is diverse but all the songs share on common trait. They're fun. Fun to dance to and fun to sing along with regardless of genre. 

I'm focused on my music mission but I'm not taking it so serious that I forget that this whole thing is about having a good time with our friends and family. 

There are songs I want played because they special to me and my lady. 

There are songs I want played because they are goofy and cheesy and everyone will sing along with or do their best Robot to as everyone claps along. 

Time of course will tell if I did a good job or not and if people had a good time at our reception. I'm confident I've chosen good music for our reception...even though I'm more Fred Flintstone than Fred Astaire 

Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel
All Rights Reserved

The Tunes: Part Two
To Bolton or Not To Bolton

I've never met Michael Bolton but I'm sure he is a very nice man who has a very nice voice. I do know that 53 million dollars in record sales are a testament that people like Michael Bolton. I would guess that the majority of his fans are women but the fact remains that Michael Bolton has some talent and people have bought his albums. 

We will not be playing any Michael Bolton at any time during our wedding and it has nothing to do with his voice or the songs which made him a millionaire. 

It has more to do with his mullet. Or, seeing as the years have taken their toll on his once flowing locks, the memory of his mullet. 

(Side note here: I believe The Memory of His Mullet is the title of a Dixie Chicks song. I might be wrong about that)

Some songs conjure up very vivid images. 
Can anyone hear The Righteous Brothers' Unchained Melody and not see Demi and Patrick doing it on a potter's wheel in Ghost? I thought not. Can you listen to Stealer's Wheel Stuck in the Middle With You and not envision Michael Madsen hacking off some poor schmuck's ear in Quentin Tarantino's Reservoir Dogs? 
Tarantino, by the way, is one of best at putting a soundtrack to the movie he's created. Martin Scorcese is another.
Back to my original point...
I don't want to be dancing with Fawn to, oh, let's say Michael Bolton's How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?, and look out into the faces of the people we love and see the "Oh-My-GOD-That-Mullet-Was-Horrendous" face on each and every one them. 
The horror. The horror. The mullet. 
I can't swear there won't be any songs by mulleted singers at some point in our wedding ceremony or reception. But it will be the music and not the mullet you will remember. I can promise you that.
So to the question of "To Bolton or Not to Bolton" I must say "Not."
How are you going to live without me, Michael? I can't begin to tell you, Pal, but you might want to start working on a Plan B.

Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel

All Rights Reserved

The Tunes: Part One
I'm a firm believer that music is key in any relationship.
Every couple has a soundtrack for the journey that is their lives together and that one song that always makes them look into each other's eyes and smile. That one song which always reminds them of some special place or that time when...oh...well...you know. Wink wink. Nudge nudge.
And so it goes without saying (Shit. I just said it) that music is an integral part to a wedding. Unless, I suppose, the ceremony is for two mimes who will tie the knot in a box and then walk slowly down the aisle against the wind.

There are many different ways to go when deciding on how to present the music for your wedding. There are string quartets and a capella singers and guitar soloists and church choirs and one-man bands and organists and there's even a guy who will dress up like Elvis and croon Can't Help Falling In Love with You as the bride walks down the aisle.
The choice to pick one of the latter is ususally based on three things: the taste of the bride and groom, the desired mood for the wedding and most importantly, the budget. 
If you have a lot of money and are planning a wedding, then go ahead and get Springsteen to play the reception. If you're like me, though, and planning a wedding on a tight budget, then live music is out of the question.
We already knew, going into this, that we would be going with pre-recorded music for both the ceremony and the reception. It's just makes sense in out particular situation. Oh sure we'd love to have Uncle Bucky and his Banjo Band play at our wedding, but there's just not enough in the budget. 
Having decided to go with pre-recorded music, the task now falls to me to create a master list of songs that hold certain memories for Fawn and I. Once that list is created I must mold and shape it to fit into a ceremony and reception all the while balancing a nod to tradition and our need to do something totally different from any other wedding we've ever been to before.
Oh that should be easy.
Choosing the right music can make or break your wedding. Yes. It's as important as that. And that, my friends, is a lot of pressure. I never really paid attention to the fact that there is so much music during a wedding. 

A wedding day is divided into two main parts. The ceremony and the reception. The ceremony can be divided into the following: the prelude, the processional, the interlude, the recessional and the post-lude. The reception can be divided into the following: bride and groom first dance, mother and son dance, cake cutting, bouquet toss, garter music, dinner music, dance music, and finally a song for the bride and groom's last dance of the night.

I figure that's about 5 hours of music, give or take a few minutes.

I have two choice here. Option 1 would involve choosing about 100 different standard songs that run anywhere from two and a half minutes to just a little over four. Option 2 would, or as it is usually referred to, The Lazy Stoner Way, is to pick just a few really long songs.

Let's see...

Jethro Tull's 1972 Thick As A Brick is a total of 43:40 minutes. Iron Butterfly's In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida (actually 'In The Garden of Eden') is just a little over 17 minutes. Don McLean's 1971 opus American Pie is 8:33. Rush's 2112 is 20:37 minutes while The Adventures of Greggery Peccary by Frank Zappa is 20:33.

I figure that's about 1 hour and 48 minutes of really long music and perfect if we were being married by Cheech and Chong. 

"Whoa...the bride's dress is beautiful."
"Yeah...but why is she moving so slow?"
"Who cares man. Just sit back and watch the leprechauns dance."

Yeah. If I go with Option 2 I better have plenty of chili cheese fries and brownies at the reception. Not going to happen.

This is no time to be lazy.  It looks like Option 1 is the way to go. 

Wedding music must set the mood for the day. That's the key! If you're a fun loving couple perhaps you should stay away from Wagner as your composer of choice. The music should reflect your personalities. People know Fawn and I too well. They wouldn't buy a wedding full of somber classical music. It's just not us. 

"So what is?" I ask myself continuously.

Apparently what helps to establish the mood is to have some sort of theme for your wedding. At least that's what I've been reading. 

Some popular themes are based on the seasons. We're getting married in October but we won't be asking our guests to come in costume. Some popular themes I've been seeing over and over are Arabian Nights (Really?) Mexican Fiesta (I kid you not) Disney (Well, if I was a one of those polygamist cult leaders and marrying an 8 year old that would be just swell) The Wild West, Greek Mythology and The Holidays. (Because everyone wants to be married by The Easter Bunny)

I'm not sure yet if we have a theme for our wedding. If I had to choose one, I guess I would say that we are shooting for Elizabethan-Greco-Roman-Grunge. 

I'm kidding. I kid. I'm a kidder.

I think we're going to try and create an atmosphere of casual elegance. Now..having said that, I now must ensure that my music choices jibe with the theme. 

What kind of music says casual and elegant?

Seriously. I'm asking people. 

What kind of music says casual and elegant?

It's all good. No worries. Actually I have some ideas and the master list is slowly growing. It's actually been kinda fun. I have been diligently doing my homework and my frequent flier points on youtube.com have quadrupled. I've been listening and jotting down song titles, artists and song lengths. 

It's been an eye-opening experience and I've learned a lot about wedding music.

Here's the most important piece of advice I can give you in regards to pre-recorded wedding music. Listen to the song's lyrics-or better yet-read the lyrics to song before you decide to have it played while you and your bride dance your first dance as man and wife. 
At first listen a song might sound perfect, but you might want to pay better attention.
Every Breath You Take by The Police may sound like a great choice for a first dance song, but if you've ever really listened to the song's lyrics you will know that Every Breath is about stalking. 


"Every breath you take and every move you make  ~Every bond you break  ~Every step you take~ I'll be watching you~Every single day and every word you say~Every game you play~Every night you stay, I'll be watching you" 
Mmmm...creepy. Just the way you want to start your life together.
Although beautifully sung by the immensely talented Celine Dion, My Heart Will Go On may not be a good choice for a wedding song. Sure. The movie was awesome and touching and romantic and...about the death of 1523 people. Even though the words 'til Death do us part are in the wedding ceremony, let's not belabor the point. Besides, what are the chances you and your bride are going to be taken out by an iceberg. 
There are some other songs to think twice about before adding them to your wedding playlist. The key is to actually read the lyrics.  You can't not rely on your memory in regards to song lyrics. Ask yourself: How many times have I been in my car singing "Excuse me while I kiss this guy" instead of Hendrix's actual "Excuse me while I kiss the sky." 
I have a friend who used to sing along with INXS whenever she heard their songs on the radio. I was always a little baffled by her interpretation as she sang Soup and Salad Bar to the tune of Suicide Blonde. You can't really blame her. Listen to the song. It does sound like 'Soup and salad bar.'
I'm actually surprised Shoney's hasn't paid for the rights to use the song in a commercial. 
One magazine included among the piles on WEDDING CENTRAL suggests these two additional titles as Don't Plays at your wedding.  
ONE by U2. 
When a Man Loves A Woman by the immortal Percy Sledge
When a Man Loves a Woman is a classic and the passionate vocals by Percy Sledge are enough to evoke emotion from a stone statue and at first it seems like a no-brainer for wedding music. Take a look at the lyrics. There is an underlying hurt that may not be appropriate for your big day.

When a man loves a woman ~ Deep down in his soul ~ She can bring him such  misery ~ If she  is playing him for a fool ~ He's the last one to know ~ Loving eyes can never see.


I'll let you look up the lyrics to U2's ONE. This quote from Bono should give you a clue though as to why it might not be a good choice for a wedding song.
"It amazes me when people tell me they played it (ONE) at their wedding or for comfort at a funeral. I go to myself, 'Are you crazy? It's about breaking up!"


For the most part, I have been talking about songs for the ceremony and the reception that require selecting a piece of music that speaks to that particular moment. I haven't even begun to talk about the reception. 
Ultimately it comes down to you're probably going to play the songs you want to play. It is your wedding after all. and that's all good.
I would just say use some discretion while maintaining your personal expression. 
Maybe Sir Mix-a-lot's Baby Got Back isn't a good song for when the bride walks down the aisle? Call me crazy.

Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel

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