Goin' To The Chapel

So...apparently you can't just walk into a tuxedo rental store and ask for a tuxedo that will make you look like James Bond. There should be! But there isn't.
Apparently they need more information than that. Apparently, even though we can take photographs with phones and we have electric cars and doctors can build new body parts in laboratories a guy just can't walk into a tuxedo rental store and walk into a machine and a minute later be fitted into a tuxedo that will make him look like a British secret agent with a license to kill.
Is it just me or is anybody else a little disappointed that none of the things The Jetsons promised have come to fruition?

My GOD the questions are never-ending when all you want to do is walk in and five minutes later walk out with the coolest tuxedo ever.
Do you want a dinner jacket? A Stroller jacket? (WTH? I'm not pushing a toddler down the aisle with me) Tails? Traditional tuxedo or black tie? Updated black tie? Dark suit? 
I want to look like a secret agent. 
Okay. Very good then....now...about your shirt, Sir?
My shirt? I dunno....white with buttons?
Would you like French cuffs? A Mandarin collar? A spread collar or a turndown collar? Perhaps, Sir, you'd prefer a winged collar.
MOMMY!
Now, Sir. About your neckwear. Any ideas there?
A noose?
That's very good, Sir, but seriously, would you like an ascot, a bow tie, or a four in-hand tie? 
I don't know. I suppose, though, that decision depends on the shirt I'm wearing. Correct?
Very good, Sir. You're catching on. 
GOD. Where is Tim Gunn when you need him?
And while you're thinking about the neckwear, Sir, perhaps you can begin to think about the accessories...
Accessories! HA!! NOW you're talking! The flame-throwers! The poison pellets! That underwater breathing thingy!
...like the cummerbund. Were you thinking about either suspenders or braces? A Waist coat or vest?
<curling up in the fetal position now....thumb in mouth....rocking back and forth>
And we still have to make a decision about your shoes, Sir. There is a decision to made about your hosiery...
Okay. Well. To start. They're called socks. NOT hosiery. I'm not a cross-dresser or a seventy year old living in Miami. Or a seventy year old cross-dresser living in Miami.
..and do you prefer patent pumps or perchance white bucks?
Pumps? Again. NOT a cross-dresser. And let me state this for the record. No man should ever wear pumps. On his feet...or...uhhhh....anywhere else for that matter.
I don't know. Maybe I'll just go naked. 


Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel

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