Today is about flowers, balloons and a party. 


Flowers
This morning I will be meeting with the "Wedding Flower Person" or WFP, as they are known in the industry. I have my color laser prints and fabric swatches in hand and I'm ready. Fawn and I traded many emails yesterday trying to finalize what we would like. Now it's just a question of what our WFP can put together and if they can do it for a price that we can afford. 
We looked at a lot of photos yesterday. Alot. And after a while all the bouquets and all the boutonnieres start to blend together into one big pretty blur. 
I'm positive that we'll be able to come up with something. 
I've seen in some articles that some people have just gone into fields and gathered wild flowers, wrapped a ribbon around them and handed them to the bride. 
You know that if I ventured out into a field one or several of the following would happen:
1. I would stumble across a sleeping bear and get eaten. 
2. I would stumble across a bee hive and get stung...run screaming into the woods...trip over a sleeping bear....and then get eaten
3. I would grab something that causes red bumps and itchiness.
4. TWO WORDS: SINK HOLE.
5. ONE WORD: SNAKE.
6. I'd get shot for trespassing.


There will be no field trips for me except for the one that involves me walking into a store and talking to people who are qualified to put flowers together and make them look pretty. 


********


Balloons
They're round and colorful and too some people, the work of the Devil. 
This is a no-brainer. 
I already know what colors I need and where I'm going to put them.
I just need someone with really powerful lungs. 


********


PARTAAAAY!
Wedding shower tonight courtesy of two good friends, James and Rachel. 
It will be nice to be with friends and take a night off from planning and organizing and eating little wieners on toothpicks. 
By the way...
I was in a band in college called LITTLE WIENERS ON TOOTHPICKS. 
We were a Backstreet Boys cover band.





Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel

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19 days and counting.


I don't think I can accurately describe exactly where my head is at today. 
Let me see if these images help:


My thoughts 1
My thoughts 2
My thoughts 3
My thoughts 4
My thoughts 5
My thoughts 6
My thoughts 7 
My thoughts 8
My thoughts 9
My thoughts 10
My thoughts 11
My thoughts 12
My thoughts 13
My thoughts 14


There. That should give you an idea of where I'm at today. 


Did I mention we are at 19 days? 





Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel

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The penguins have landed. 





Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel

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I don't know. Maybe it's me. Maybe emotions are running a little high. Maybe the stress of everything is getting to me. Maybe I'm just wrong. Or crazy. That latter being a distinct possibility. At least people who knew me really well wouldn't argue the point. 
As I've said in previous entries, I've been married just one time before and if things go as planned my upcoming marriage in...oh let's check Mr. Calendar....hmmm....it seems we're at 21 days and counting, this will be the last time I get married. 
I don't remember much from my first wedding other than it was hot, I sweated a lot and the reception lasted about 16 minutes. Mainly because it was hot and I was covered in sweat. I can only guess. 
My point, and yes, I do have one, is that I just don't remember any politics involved in the process of planning that wedding. I hate politics, any kind of politics and politics is that last thing anyone should have to deal with when they're planning a wedding. 
Here's how I look at it. 
We're not the Trump's or the Gates' or even The Kardashians' with a television network backing us with wheelbarrows full of money. We're just simple folks with a limited budget who want to make our wedding day as special as it can be, surrounded by the people we love and cherish and who in turn love and cherish us. 
Where did manners go? Just simple every day courtesy? 
Here's how I feel right now. If you don't want to come to our wedding, for whatever reason, and you need never tell us the reason, then please don't. We want people who want to be there.
It's a wedding, for Pete's Sake, not a court-mandated traffic class. 
If you don't want to come, it's okay. The world will not end. It would be nice to know, one way or the other though. 
I keep reading that this is common. 
And I guess that's what I am having a problem with today. 
It is common. The lack of manners is common place today and it would be nice if we were all just a little more respectful of one another. 
It's like that list of things you learned in kindergarten. Although the only things I learned in kindergarten were:


Paper that has butterscotch pudding finger paintings on it is d-e-l-i-c-i-o-u-s.
NEVER, ever, go into a clothes closet with a girl. Even if she has Goldfish crackers. 
And finally...
Everyone wears underpants but what you do in your own underpants is your business and no one else's. 


Sorry. 
This post is probably coming off as a little angry today and I guess some part of me is angry and needs to vent a little. It's one of the reasons I created the blog. Well. That and all the money, of course. 
I started the day yesterday with a God-awful migraine, like there's good ones, and I'm just a little cranky today, I guess. 
I am just a little miffed, for lack of a better word. Although some of my other choices were peeved, irked and vexed. Vexed was a little too Shakespearean, though and I knew someone was bound to give me shit for it. 
I'm going to wait til after the wedding though, to give any details. 
Maybe I will calm down a little by then. Less chance of hurting someone's feelings and Lord knows, I'm all about that. 
It's just amazing to me how insensitive people can be. 
'Nuff said.
Didn't mean to bum anybody out. As you were. Go enjoy what's left of your Sunday. 


Go EAGLES!  (for everyone on Fawn's side of the family)
Go GIANTS!   (for my Dad)


Who am I rooting for really?
Me. Fawn. And that little bald penguin who was abandoned by its parents. 




Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel

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Is it unreasonable to think that I can knock off 14 things of my To Do List?
I mean, I'm going to try, regardless the answer. 
I'm running out of time and I'm starting to show signs of stress fractures. What's the expression? "I'd rather shoot for the moon and miss it then aim for the gutter and hit it." 
The quote is attributed to Anonymous. 
Now there's a guy who gets around! 


On today's schedule:


Time-Line/Week of Wedding
Time-Line/Day of Wedding
Ceremony Readings
Program Design
Balloons


(Yay! Balloons are so fun! Unless, that is, you suffer from globophobia.Then, I guess, it would be terrifying to even think about ordering balloons, much less hanging over your head during your wedding reception.)



Ushers for the Ceremony
Servers for the Reception

Applications are available at the front desk.



Speakers for our I-Pod. 


I think that's good for one day. Right?
See. This is where you say "Yes, Jody. That's an great list for a Saturday, and if I might add, very easily accomplished. And did I happen to mention that your hair looks great today?"
Okay. Quit reading this and go enjoy your Saturday. 





Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel
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The penguins have shipped!
YAY!


This will all make sense in a little over 30 days. 





Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel
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Just a few thoughts...that's about all I have the strength for today...


I should start off by saying that as of today, we are T-MINUS 32 days. 
I have never planned a wedding before, so I have nothing to compare my progress to and in some aspects, that is a good thing.
There are only a few things left on the To-Do List which by now, is about as thick as the telephone book for Duckbill, Arkansas, population 351. 
(Don't GOOGLE that. It was a joke made to make a point. 


Okay. So where are we as of today?


NUDITY
  
The guys-my groomsmen and best man-have been measured and their tuxedos are on order. It was a close one though...right up to the wire...but there will be no naked people standing with Fawn and I.
THAT goes for you too, Uncle Gerhardt.
Let me tell you. This is going to be one sharp group of guys. The lavender shirts and the kilts are going to look so incredible against the palette that is Autumn. That little bit of burnt orange in the knee socks...MMMM  MMMM!! Delicious! 
I wonder what Tim Gunn would think...
Tim?


MUSIC
I have never downloaded music from the Internet before and I'm not sure if I really know what to do. I will admit that part of me feels like I'm doing something illegal and as soon as I finish, the FEDS are going to break down my front door, throw me in cuffs, and cart me away to Guantanamo Bay. I'd hate to be water-boarded for downloading Air Supply. That's not going to give me any cred in prison.
In an effort to save some money, we are going to utilize an I-POD for pre-ceremony music and for dinner music. An I-POD was the best way to go. The cheapest way would have been to take my neighbor's offer to hum all the music for the wedding but he's 79. I'm worried about loss of breath-and subsequent loss of life-right as Fawn starts walking down the aisle.
I like the music I've selected for our big day and I think it's going to set a great tone for the day. 
I just hope I can download it and not get spammed with VIAGRA ads for the next two years.

FLOWERS

I've got to order flowers this week. That is to say, I've got to order Fawn's bouquet, bouquets for the bridesmaids and the boutonnieres for the groomsmen. I figure as long as I try to compliment our colors and not go to gaudy, I will do okay.
I also have to order balloons. Balloons are fun and easy. Seriously. How hard can balloons be? 
More importantly...how expensive could balloons be? If worse comes to worse I'll get some latex gloves at Wal-Mart. Might be kind of symbolic actually. Like Fawn and I are high-fiving all our guests.


WORDS
The vows have been written. We've met the person officiating. 
I've written the piece which will be read by a good friend. I've written a few things in my life: a book that about 6 people read, a play, some short stories that won me awards in high school and a couple of blogs. I don't know if I am a good writer or not. I enjoy writing. That's why I do it. Technically speaking, I am probably a horrible writer. If some of you reading this blog could actually mark on it with a red pen, you'd probably see very little white left on the screen. 
And honestly (I know George. I'm starting a sentence with And. Deal) I'm okay with that. I see my writing as a stream of consciousness anyway. Now, if a publisher wants to hook me up with a good editor...
I'm just saying.
I've written a piece for Fawn. 
I've done an outline for the vows and for the charge to the bride and groom. 
Let's hope no one brings a red pen to the wedding.



Other Schtuff
We have received the official copy of our banquet license so we can serve food and drink at our reception. Which is awesome because I'm thinking that juice boxes and NABS would look a little tacky. 


We're still waiting on a few RSVP's, about 20, give or two a couple, so if you are reading this and have received an invitation-which would have included another envelope-which would have contained the all important RSVP-and it is sitting somewhere under, on top of, or in the vicinity of all your current unpaid bills...please...
pretty please...pretty please with sugar on top...


PLEASE!


...send it back to us. There's postage already on it. All you need do is check yes or no and then lick it and stick it in a WHAM-BAM-THANK-YOU-UNCLE-SAM Mailbox! 
Thanks. Sorry if it looked like I was yelling there. It's a sensitive subject. Only because we're getting close to, well you know, the wedding date, and well, in case you didn't know, weddings are all about numbers...the number of chairs needed, the total number of people so we know how much food to order, the number of puppies we'll need to pass out as people are leaving (Just checking to see if you are still reading) For the record there will be no puppies. None. 
Anyway, like I was saying, if you've got the RSVP and you're coming...or if even you're not coming and in that case WHY THE HELL NOT?...just drop it in a mailbox. Please. It would be a load off my mind which at the moment is bring crushed in a vice and being stabbed with a crochet needle. 


Okay. I'm fine now. 


I guess that's it. 
I mean for today. I'm exhausted. This has exhausted me. I'm done. 
As far as the wedding is concerned, there's still stuff to do. So I'm going to take a break, take some medicine and pray for the best. 


Did I mention the RSVP's?



Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel
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So I'm watching one of those video compilation shows and wedding videos are being featured. More specifically, videos focusing on grooms. Grooms falling down, tripping, passing out, passing gas, setting themselves on fire...you get the idea.
Funny? 
Oh most definitely. 
Sad? 
A little. I mean, I know now how much work-and money-goes into a wedding. It's a little sad seeing all that hard work being ruined by a fall into a fountain, or worse, some priest's crotch.
But it's still really funny. 
Not funny enough though that I don't recognize the potential hazards that might present themselves during a wedding ceremony so I've compiled a list of Wedding Not To Do's.


1. Don't have a mullet. 
Aside from being a horrendous fashion fauxpaux, mullets apparently have the power to wreck havoc with a groom's equilibrium. It has to be the whole "business in front and party in the back" thing. Honestly I think it's way too much responsibility for one poor hairstyle, way too much power to try and control and maybe that's why grooms with mullets always face plant before or-worse case scenario-during the exchange of the vows. 


Maybe the saying should be Business in front-party in the back and face in the carpet?


2. Don't drink at least two days before your wedding. Or eat Mexican food.
Getting married is extremely stressful. The last thing you want to do is throw up. Vomit during a wedding ceremony is as bad as...well...vomit during a wedding ceremony. Let's forget the fact that your new wife is never ever gonna let you forget that you blew chunks on your wedding day-and you had better pray that it was not on her-it will be something that she will throw back in your face during every fight you will have throughout the years to come. 
Husband: "Hey honey. Did you remember the potato chips? I don't see them."
Wife: "No. I forgot them. I'M SO SORRY. BUT I WAS JUST AFRAID YOU'D EAT THEM AND THEN THROW UP ON ME!"
Husband: "Oh. Okay. I'll just have pretzels."
My bachelor party is going to be at least a month before my wedding. 
And I'm going to drink milk.


3. Get married on level ground. 
Stairs = falls. 
Trust me. A groom's legs are wobbly enough from nerves. Don't add steps to the equation. 
Try not to faint. There's not much you can do if you feel as if you are going to pass out just try to time it so that it doesn't appear to be a direct reaction to being pronounced Mr. and Mrs.


4. No open flames. 
You ever see a mullet go up in flames? It's not pretty. And every video I've watched in which someone was lighting a unity candle ended with 5 groomsmen stomping on the body of some poor soul who was wearing too much hairspray. You want to hear "I now pronounce you man and wife" at the end of your ceremony not "Stop! Drop! And roll!"


5. Don't pick your nose. 
Don't even scratch your nose. Don't place your finger anywhere near your nose at any time during your wedding. I don't care if a fly lands on your lip and crawls into a nostril. DON'T GO IN AFTER IT! Cameras are everywhere during a wedding. EVERYWHERE. You might think the videographer is focused on your beautiful bride and that the coast is clear. I guarantee that as soon as you go mining for gold, someone is going to capture the moment for all eternity and within seconds you're going to be on someone's FaceBook page, knuckle-deep in mid-pick.

6. Don't adlib your vows.  

Even Billy Crystal had writers when he hosted The Oscars. 8 times. If you hesitate when the bag boy asks "Paper or plastic?" you are not a fly-by-the-seat of your pants kinda guy. Write something down or use cue cards. Better yet. GOOGLE wedding vows. 


7. Don't wear a tuxedo with ruffles. You're not an extra in The Godfather.



And while we're on the subject of clothing... 

8. Wear a belt. The only person who should see your underwear-or lack there of-on your wedding day is your bride. Your future-and that's about as near future as you can get-mother-in-law does not need to know that you're a bikini guy. Or that you prefer to go commando. Or that you're circumcised. Or that you shave. 

And finally, even if you forget all of the above, remember this. 

9. Don't cry. There's nothing wrong with showing emotion. It's kind of sweet really. Just don't cry. Don't blubber like a baby and let your voice get all high and whiny. 

Here's a few videos that still have me shaking my head. 

The woo-hoo groom. 

The cry-baby groom.

The I-Don't-Have-Any-Idea groom.

Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel
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Hurricanes couldn't stop me from planning and coordinating all the details still left on our Wedding To Do List. Of course, having no electricity and no computer slowed me down a little.
Irene will definitely not be invited to wedding. Especially after her behavior here in Richmond. 
Fawn and I made it through the last week. We've got through the rain, as the great performer Barry Manilow once sang. 
He also sang "At The Copa...Copacabana" but I have yet to find a correlation to hurricane survival for that lyric. To be honest I didn't work that hard. It's Manilow for Pete's sake, not Tennyson.
Fawn and I got through it together. It's nice to know that the person you're going to spend the rest of your life is someone that won't lose their shit in a hurricane. Besides some apprehension about trees landing on the house-and honestly-who wouldn't have some apprehension about trees falling on their house during a hurricane?-she was a real trooper. 
We sat in the dark together and we raked leaves together when it was all over. 
We did other things too. 
Hey! We had candles everywhere in the house! It was really romantic. 
I now understand why pioneer families were so big. I mean, after you put the cows in the barn and eat dinner, what is there to do? It's 8:30PM, it's dark and well, you know. 
When people ask me how we survived the storm, I tell them we did our best to ride it out. 





Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel
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