Modern Bride. 
Brides. 
Wedding Style. 
Modern Bride Magazine. 
I could go on and on listing the titles of magazines in circulation for the blushing bride to be but I won't because it gets a little redundant after a while. I have never paid much attention to these magazines. I'm more of an Entertainment Weekly and Highlights kind of a guy.
I'm staring at a stack of bridal magazines now. No. Really. They're just inches away on WEDDING CENTRAL, the area of my illustration studio that has been transformed into a wedding planner's work space. And atop the workspace there is a stack of bridal magazines perched precariously upon one another like something in a Dr. Seuss drawing. 
A good friend who has been married for just about 4 months now is donating all of her magazines from when she was planning and coordinating her wedding to my adventure. Which is pretty damn nice, I might add and a very generous gift because these magazines are expensive. Another friend has given me books and notebooks. Not yet married, her wedding is planned. 
I am grateful. I am out of my element and any information is helpful.
Here's the problem I have with all of these magazines. And I've got problems people. They're all about and for the bride. They're all girly and chock full of "Buy-this-dress" and "Wear this lip gloss" articles. There is nothing for the groom. 
Oh. Sure. There are the "Make Sure He Doesn't Make An Ass Out Of Himself At The Bachelor Party" and "When Even A Tuxedo Can't Turn Your Lumberjack Into A Prince Charming" articles, but there is nothing for the guy who is planning his own wedding. 

There are several magazines directly in front of me and I can't help but notice some of the articles to be found within those glossy perfumed pages. 


Dream Dresses and Amazing Veils
Surprising Stuff You Can Rent (taco stand anyone?)
I did not make that up. Who's the ring bearer? The Taco Bell chihuahua?

What To Wear In Your Hair (glam jewels, cute veils and more!)

No! There Can't Be More!!

Beauty Finds No Bride Should Live Without

Well that seems a little excessive. "Use these products or be ugly and die?" Really?

Beautiful Hairstyles (He'll Love Them Too)

Excuse me. I love my bride-to-be but I'm not getting a bob.
15 Questions You Need To Ask
I can actually think of a 16th question and it's a really important one. 
WHERE THE HELL ARE THE PAGE NUMBERS?!


Seriously Modern Bride. Yeah. I'm calling you out. But what's up with that?
I've never published a magazine before but I can you this MB: If you have a table of contents you really should have numbers on the pages. I'm still looking for Page 133. I know it's somewhere between the page with the photo of the model in the blue dress and the page with the photo of the model in the sage dress but I can't really be sure. I know men are notorious for not asking directions, but once again, I travel that road less traveled. I would like some frickin' page numbers please. 
There sure are a great many pretty pictures within the pages of all these magazines and I guess the thought here is that women might want to eventually share the information within the pages of the magazine with their man. Men are visual, so let's give them something to stare at as their woman goes on and on about that particular color which would look perfect on her bridesmaids because....yadada...Spring...jasmine...blah blah blah..their hair is going to be swooped....and Dear GOD shoot me now...

"Here Thundarr. Look at the pretty pictures while we pluck your unibrow and shave your back and while you're at it just nod if you like this cummerbund mother and I have picked out for you."
I guess it's a matter of economics. More women than men are involved in the planning of weddings. Magazines should be geared towards that audience. And the men that are buying these magazines, more than likely, just a guess here, aren't bored whatsoever with looking at endless photos of dresses and hairstyles and flower arrangements. These are the same men who can quote lines from Sex in the City verbatim and who have probably never pulled a stump from someone's lawn using a chain and a pickup truck. No judgments here....just my opinion.
I'm just suggesting that maybe the publishers of MAXIM or Playboy consider printing a Man's Guide to Planning a Wedding. Just an idea. And, to those publishers I would also say, "Go ahead. Continue the trend and include a great many photos of pretty models in wedding dresses. Or whatever."

Let's have some realistic articles for the man who is planning a wedding. 


WHO SAYS CAMOUFLAGE CAN'T BE CLASSY?
PAIN-FREE WAXING TIPS FOR THAT ONE EYEBROW YOU HAVE THAT SHE HATES
CHOOSING TULLE WITHOUT FEELING LIKE A TOOL
PICKING THE RIGHT TUXEDO TO HIDE YOUR GUT AND ENHANCE YOUR PACKAGE
FLOWERS SCMOWERS!!
BACHELOR PARTY PLANS SHE'LL ACTUALLY GO ALONG WITH

I'm tellin' you, you could make a bunch of money. 

I'm staring at a copy of Wedding Planning for Dummies. 
I fear this is the closest thing in print that is designed for the man planning his own wedding. 
In the Introduction of this book the author says that the mission of Wedding Planning for Dummies is to "demystify and simplify myriad details that go into the Big Day, inspire you with wonderfully innovative ideas to personalize your wedding celebration, instill confidence in you to bring off a memorable ceremony and reception (no matter what your budget or wedding style), and hopefully enable you to have some fun while doing it."
The book is 4o8 pages long and I'm in serious trouble because my brain shut down after 'demystify and simplify myriad details..."

Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel

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I've been to a few weddings in my life. Some were awesome. Some were exercises in slow torture. Some were beautiful and you had better believe the details are stored up in here my brain, filed under "I'd Like To Do That At My Wedding."

The key, to me, in creating the perfect wedding, is making sure the wedding reflects the bride and groom. It is their day after all. So, that's my plan, and as they say, having a plan is everything. The key. 

Of course we want our guests to feel comfortable and have a good time. We don't want our wedding to rank up there with root canal surgery or tax auditing. Everyone should have a good time, especially the bride and groom. 

This book I am reading made a point that has stuck with me these last few months. 

"Don't try to please everyone." 
This is a great tip because it's an easy trap to fall into especially if you have a personality like mine. And believe me, if I hadn't come across that little nugget of information this early in the process, I would have tried to appeal to everyone. 

I have to remember that just because Uncle Wayne likes llamas, that doesn't mean we should have a petting zoo next to the reception tent. 

I think I've got a good game plan started. "Traditional while reflecting our personalities." TWROP for short. 

See. Here's the thing. My bride-to-be and I have both been married before but neither one of us really had the wedding we wanted. This is our chance to make up for that. The good thing is that we have similar tastes and needless to say there was no Monster Truck versus Horse Drawn Carriage conversation. That's a huge hurdle out of the way. 

We've picked colors for our wedding. I'm an artist and comfortable in my sexuality. I can make a statement like that. I just won't follow that statement with "And they're fabulous!"

Actually having an artist's eye is going to come in very handy throughout this experience. I have table settings to design, a reception hall to decorate, an invitation to design and create and....crap. I'm sounding gayer with every word. Excuse me while I save this and watch some UFC Ultimate Fighter for a few minutes and swig a beer.


<several minutes go by>

Okay. I'm back. And for the record, that Ultimate Fighter show is just about as gay as anything on LOGO. 
Suffice to say I've got the artistic direction of my wedding under control. And if you think any different, I'll scratch your eyes out.

Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel

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It's been 4 months to the date, almost, since I proposed to my girlfriend. My fiance. I've really got to get used to that. I'm engaged. I'm an engaged man. I'm getting married. In less than 9 months.

Shit. I think we're in good shape. But then again, I've never done this. I could be up the creek without a paddle...or a canoe. Hell. I could be in the middle of a desert right now and dreaming I was up a creek. 
I've white-water rafted before. I can handle this. 
I do honestly think we have this under control. 
We have the bride's dress. We have the venue. We have...each other. 
We have a semi-final invitation list and a good friend who is going to create our cake for free as a wedding present. All I need to do is design it. 
So, to recap, that's the cake, the dress, and the venue. Those are the 'Big 3' if I am not mistaken.
That's good right?
This is the part where you reassure me and say "Absolutely. You're golden."
I know. I know. I know. 
There are a million other huge, mid-sized and tiny little details left to coordinate. And honestly, I think that number is fairly close. A friend loaned me one of the Planning Your Wedding books and it's just a little thicker than the King James Bible. The first sentence is the book is "If you are planning your wedding and are not a professional wedding planner, don't do anything else but concentrate on the event and all the details involved. Don't lose focus. Don't sleep. If you do, your brain will explode."
I might be paraphrasing. A little.
Okay. I get it. Planning my own wedding is going to be a very involved, often frustrating, exhausting experience. 
The question is not "Can I do it?" The question is "Can I do it and remain sane?" Well, as sane as I can be, that is. "Of course I can!" I say confidently, chest puffed and brow furrowed.
My little voice remains silent, head buried in the How-To book. 
Damn that's a thick book. 

Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel

All Rights Reserved

Oh my GOD. What have I gotten myself into?
Oh. No. Not the getting married part. The planning the wedding part. 
What was I thinking? 
"Well," says the little voice in the back of my head, "You were thinking you were an organized person who is up for the challenge."
Shut up, Little Voice, says I. 
"And you were thinking you would save some money," my little voice continued. 
My research shows that the average wedding planner/wedding coordinator can make from $3000 up for one wedding. $3000. I might be saving myself as much as $3000 by planning this wedding myself? Hmmm. 
Go on, Little Voice. Say something else. After all, how hard could it be? Some music, some rice, a cake, some cute napkins, two rings, some 'I do's' and you're off to Hawaii for an awesome honeymoon.
Right? 
I said 'Right?' Little Voice? 
You there, Buddy?

Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel

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