Tuesday, February 1, 2011


The Tunes: Part Two
To Bolton or Not To Bolton
I've never met Michael Bolton but I'm sure he is a very nice man who has a very nice voice. I do know that 53 million dollars in record sales are a testament that people like Michael Bolton. I would guess that the majority of his fans are women but the fact remains that Michael Bolton has some talent and people have bought his albums. 
We will not be playing any Michael Bolton at any time during our wedding and it has nothing to do with his voice or the songs which made him a millionaire. 
It has more to do with his mullet. Or, seeing as the years have taken their toll on his once flowing locks, the memory of his mullet. 
(Side note here: I believe The Memory of His Mullet is the title of a Dixie Chicks song. I might be wrong about that)
Some songs conjure up very vivid images. 
Can anyone hear The Righteous Brothers' Unchained Melody and not see Demi and Patrick doing it on a potter's wheel in Ghost? I thought not. Can you listen to Stealer's Wheel Stuck in the Middle With You and not envision Michael Madsen hacking off some poor schmuck's ear in Quentin Tarantino's Reservoir Dogs? 
Tarantino, by the way, is one of best at putting a soundtrack to the movie he's created. Martin Scorcese is another.
Back to my original point...
I don't want to be dancing with Fawn to, oh, let's say Michael Bolton's How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?, and look out into the faces of the people we love and see the "Oh-My-GOD-That-Mullet-Was-Horrendous" face on each and every one them. 
The horror. The horror. The mullet. 
I can't swear there won't be any songs by mulleted singers at some point in our wedding ceremony or reception. But it will be the music and not the mullet you will remember. I can promise you that.
So to the question of "To Bolton or Not to Bolton" I must say "Not."
How are you going to live without me, Michael? I can't begin to tell you, Pal, but you might want to start working on a Plan B.






Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel
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