Goin' To The Chapel

Flowers are pretty. 
Flowers smell nice. 
Ask any man their thoughts on flowers and those are more than likely going to be the best, if not only, answers you will hear. Flowers are pretty and they smell nice. Fire bad.
It's like shoes. Most men don't know anything about shoes. They're just those things we wear on our feet because society says we have to in order to eat in restaurants and go bowling. 
I own three pairs of shoes: sneakers, casual-going-to-Applebee's-for-dinner shoes and my dress, going to a funeral or going to a wedding shoes. I did have some sandals but public opinion put a stop to that. Apparently I have really ugly feet.
Hi. My name is Frodo Baggins.
So, much like shoes, we don't think about flowers until we are forced to and then we buy them. 
The most important, and quite honestly, the only thing, men need to know about flowers is that when in doubt buy roses. Roses are pretty much the go-to flower for us cavemen. They smell nice and look pretty and women seem to like them. As far as some men are concerned, roses are the only flowers that exist. Which is fine with us, really, because it takes all the guess work out of buying flowers.
Gotta a funeral to go to? Buy some roses. Wife's birthday? May I suggest some roses, sir? Girlfriend find a pair of panties that weren't hers in the glove compartment of your car? Honestly, dude. Roses aren't going to fix that. May I suggest Antarctica?
Another problem facing men when it comes to flowers is that men really only deal with flowers three times a year. Quintuple that number if the man in question is one of those polygamists with 5 or 6 sister-wives. Then again, I have to ask, do those guys buy the little women flowers or do they just simply give them a hand-me-down churn or bonnet?
As I was saying, men only buy flowers, for the most part, for three occasions: anniversaries, birthdays and as a prelude to make-up sex. If a man is lucky enough to have a fight with his lady on her birthday which also happens to be your wedding anniversary, well then that lucky son-of-a-gun only makes one trip a year to the local florist where he is known as that cheap, lucky son-of-a-gun.
Flowers are usually purchased when a man is in full-on panic mode ("Crap! I forgot flowers for her birthday again!") so it's no wonder we're clueless when it comes to shopping for them. The whole experience goes by too fast and we don't retain enough information for our database. We simply give the salesperson money and run out of the store. If the salesperson had wrapped mackerel in that shiny green paper with some baby's breath, we wouldn't notice until we looked into our significant other's eyes...and saw her bared teeth. 
Men's brains don't have the capacity for such questions as "Will these flowers match her dress?" or "Can I wash these fluffy white towels with a load of dark dress pants?" Instead our brains' pistons are always firing and ready to answer those much more important questions like "What do I have in my shed that I'm going to need when the vampires attack?"
So it was goes without saying, even though I just said it, that I was fighting brain chemistry, genetics and evolution when I went to shop for the flowers for our wedding yesterday. 
Big day. Lots of responsibilities. And the only thing written on my shopping list was:
"Get something pretty."
My mission was to choose flowers which would be used in the centerpieces which would be on the tables for our reception. Sticking with our plan I knew the centerpieces would need to not only match our wedding colors but also reflect our theme of casual elegance. 
In other words, simple centerpieces. Small centerpieces. Inexpensive centerpieces. And of course, pretty centerpieces. 
I'm not going to lie. I was nervous. 
I've never done anything like that before. Once again, like most men, I had only ever chosen, at the most, a dozen roses at one time before and here I was about to select the flowers for the table centerpieces and for the arch which would be center stage during the ceremony.
I had no idea where to start. I had some loose ideas in my head but that was about it. I've looked through some magazines for inspiration, hoping that maybe somewhere someone had done the work for me already but all of Martha Stewarts flower arrangements looked as if they had been assembled by a team of experts. Probably because they had been assembled by a team of experts, all the while under the watchful eye of Martha, riding-crop in hand. Martha gave me a few ideas but none of the photos I looked at were of fall wedding flowers. Thanks Martha. 
I'm not going to say anything. Martha's done time in the big house. She could probably make a very lovely shank and an even lovelier shank cozy and take me out any time she wanted. 
It's all good, Martha. 
Right?
Anyway...
So there I was, all alone in the flower department wondering if I could just buy a bunch of roses and be done with it. 
Then I remembered my lady and how gorgeous she was going to look on our special day and I knew I needed to create the most perfect backdrop for her. This wasn't about me, this was about her. That was all I needed to get me going. Well, that and the text she sent me when I told her that everything was 50% OFF. 
"Tear it up, baby!" she said. "Tear it up." And that was just what I was going to do.
As an artist I understand color and have always been good at putting colors together. That's why I'm good to bring along when you go paint shopping at LOWE'S. I created a scenario in my head and approached this task as if I was creating an art piece for a client. 
The sketch was in my head, I just needed to flesh out the overall composition with color. Fawn and I are getting married in October so I concentrated on Fall colors. I also kept in mind the two colors that will be prominent in the wedding. It's a pretty palette and as I walked around it became easier and easier to find just the right flowers.
I got some stares as I walked up and down the aisles so I tried to butch up a little. I rolled up my sleeves and dragged the flowers I had already selected on the ground behind me. I took big lumbering steps and even spit on the floor a few times. 
I would guess that I was in the store for about an hour and a half. I have no idea if that is good or not. I know that for a man, that's awesome.  After all, I wasn't shopping for a tractor or a weed-wacker or new remote control so spending any longer than 5 minutes shopping, much less shopping for flowers, and I think that's pretty damn good. 
I did want Fawn's input on my selections so I took pictures with my cellphone and sent her images of flowers I was leaning towards. Got to love this modern age and all the technology! I'm sure the photos weren't great, but she at least she was able to see how my brain was working. All in all she thought everything worked and gave me a thumb's up on my effort.
I did ask a group of women who were walking around the store what they thought. Just as a fail-safe measure. Women know flowers and they know what is pretty and after I explained when the wedding was and what our colors were, they studied my pile of flowers like judges at a state fair. After a few seconds they turned to me and said "Very pretty." 
Well that was a good sign. They used the word pretty.
Then they asked if I was a designer. I told them I was the groom and watched as each one of their jaws dropped to the linoleum floor, one after another. They congratulated me on my engagement and said my fiance was very lucky.  thanked them for taking the time to critique my efforts and watched as they walked away, still shaking their heads. 
All in all I think I did a good job selecting flowers and the favorable reviews from the anonymous group of women seem to support that fact. Even though I chose several different species of flowers, the overall effect was what I was hoping to create. I'm confident the colors work together and that they will work with the colors we have chosen for the bridesmaids' dresses and the groomsmens' boutonnieres. And that's what it's all about. Well, that and looking pretty.
After I left the stores with my purchases and loaded them into the van, I walked next door into Home Depot. I owed it to myself. 
I went to the garden center and sat in a riding mower for about ten minutes and then walked up and down the power tool aisle. In a state of utter bliss I picked up every last one of those glorious tools and held them, just for a second or two. 
<caveman grunt>
Flowers pretty but power tool good. Gooooooooooood.

Je. Matzer~Goin' To The Chapel

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